Is there some kind of “5 stages of job loss” as there is for bereavement? There should be. It would go like this:

Stage one: Denial

You practically run out of the office, happy to have been cut free at last. You skip to your car. You buy yourself a smoothie. Life is good. Job? Who needs one.

Stage two: Vegetation

Suddenly free from having to wake up at 6:30am, you sleep until noon. You eat cold bowls of cereal at meal times instead of actually fixing anything. You watch too much Food Network. Life is still good. Job? Maybe someday.

Stage three: Panic

As your supply of Cocoa Puffs starts to run low, you realize that you will eventually have to buy another box. You realize that your bank account is a finite resource. Life is iffy. Job? Please!

I’m not sure what the other stages would be, since I haven’t experienced them yet. But I’m right around the beginning stages of number three. Tomorrow is Monday, the beginning of the proverbial work week, and I have no place to go. Lady is becoming the most well-trained dog on the planet, because she is my only project at the moment. I need to find work. He who does not work does not eat. Didn’t somebody say that some time?

The only problem is, I don’t want to do just ANYthing. I want to find work in my field. Or I want to meet a handsome, lovable guy who already has a great job and wants to take care of me. And then I could take care of him. And we would be happy forever and ever.

I would spend my time writing novels and dissecting Great Literature while he would go out into the world and slay corporate giants, bringing back the winnings for us to share. I would iron the sheets and spray them with lavender extract. We would constantly invite people to stay with us in our home, and it would be truly regal, like Agnes Wickfield’s house when she and David Copperfield first met. Who thought it would be a good idea to kill chivalry anyway?

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